letters and lattes

“That information might have been a little more useful to me yesterday… again, things that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!”¹

These are the words Robbie (Adam Sandler) yells at his would-be-bride the evening he was jilted and left at the altar in The Wedding Singer.

What he’s really saying is, “this information would have been more helpful in the past, where we could have faced the solution together.” 

Would the outcome have been the same? Probably. 

But he could have been spared some pain. And, a lot of unnecessary embarrassment. Yes, there is a lot of other context here, but let’s leave that for now. My question is, who does it help when we hide the truth?

Have you ever felt this way? Being placed in a situation where the information most pertinent to you, is delivered after the fact? Where you could have been saved from some pain and possibly embarrassment as well? For me, it has been when complex contexts and relationships were not disclosed, the lack of transparency causing me to feel both of these things and more – mostly to be perceived as incompetent.

As we move into a new year, whatever that may look like for you, take a moment to consider where you can bring things to light and help lead the way for someone else. 

For me, it is nice to be at the beginning of a year feeling confident and comfortable in the many “knowns,” and for now at least, they greatly outweigh the unknowns. This has not been the case for me in the last few years. There has been juggling of new roles in unfamiliar contexts, returning to a familiar setting that has seen much growth and change – rendering it many ways unfamiliar and of course the implications of a pandemic that has brought with it significant change ‘in the way things are done.’ As I work through my calendar and prepare the weeks ahead, I have caught myself reflecting on how nice it is to have an idea of the path ahead. I am very conscious of two things in particular as I lean into a moment of comfort. First of all, I’m mindful that this is not the case for many. I remember my experiences of being the ‘new’ person, the inexperienced person, the one cautiously trying to learn the job and the culture of where I have found myself. Also, that I’m more competent / comfortable / experienced than I give myself credit for and I might actually have a role to play in helping lead the way.

As I’m preparing for a new year I’m trying to be mindful of those hidden things that are helpful for others to be named and brought to light. I’m reflecting on those moments I got it wrong and the improvements I want to make in the year ahead. 

I find myself asking – 

Who are the mentors?

Who knows the relationships, contexts, struggles and issues – who can help lead the way? (Spoiler: it might be you.)

Comfort and experience are not the same thing, but both are a strength you can share with others.

Have you become so comfortable with your context, role, position, responsibilities that you have forgotten what it feels like to be ‘new’? To be unfamiliar? Have you become so comfortable that you have forgotten how or even why ‘things are done this way’ in the culture of your context?

As you enter into a new year, can you be more conscious of those who might be less familiar – how can you help guide the way? Are there elements of your culture that are unclear and need to be brought to light, reinvigorated, better communicated or even questioned? How can you be part of this process and offer your experience (comfort/familiarity) to others to draw from?

If you have wisdom to share, share it.

Too often we see someone wait for old age or until the last possible moment to pass on vital wisdom, thinking, always, that there is more time. Time is a luxury that we are too often lulled into thinking is a never-ceasing comfort. Once it runs out, we lament not only for the loss we have suffered, but the opportunities we have missed. The questions we never dared to ask. The conversations we could have had. The experiences we were unable to share together. 

If you have wisdom to share, share it. If you have guidance you are able to offer, offer it. If you are able to share a truth that can help others, don’t hide it. If you have lessons from your life or knowledge you wish to bequeath, why delay?

This is one of the reasons mentoring is so important. Although we have leadership structures in our churches, schools, organisations – sometimes information is not communicated. Maybe because transparency isn’t valued, maybe there isn’t trust within the organisation or maybe someone simply did not think it was important or relevant. We shouldn’t need mentors to help us navigate the way, we should be able to trust that those around us will tell us the truth and shed light on all the complexity we are yet to know or understand. Why can’t we have (or at least aim) for both?

A podcast I recently listened to reminded me it was Gandalf who knocked on Frodo’s door.⁵ Gandalf sought Frodo out, identifying his potential and knowing that he himself had wisdom, skills and insight to offer to help lead the way. 

Who could you be Gandalf for?

How can you be a mentor to those around you, speaking truth and imparting wisdom to those who could benefit from it?

How can you be an advocate for transparency, truth-telling and mentors within your church or school or organisation?

We can all contribute to this, regardless of our age or experience, we can help lead the way for others. Sharing truth today to prevent pain tomorrow. In the wise words of Maya Angelou, “do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” 

So let’s. Let us remember these lessons and do better now and in the future. 

As ever, Go well,

Steph. 

¹ The Wedding Singer (1998) New Line Cinema. 

² Glenn Packiam, “How do I cultivate friendship?” New Life Church (podcast), July 25, 2021, accessed September 8, 2021, https://share.transistor.fm/s/1bf0188f