letters and lattes

It was a beautiful autumn Saturday. The fallen leaves crunched beneath our feet and the hope of all to come floated in the air and whispered to us in the wind. The afternoon unfolded easily. Lost in conversation, enormous mugs of coffee and the most delicious Parisian déjeuner (lunch). All thoughts of the day before, a cold room, the stiff hospital gown, are vanquished from my mind as the magical colours of impressionist paintings swirl around me…

This image is a recreation of some of my favourite women and I a few years ago. It’s funny, isn’t it, how moments of joy can be remembered more acutely and shine brighter during periods of pain. For me, this was a day of colour, of joyous celebration and a lightness which contrasted the grey beyond this day. I was going through a particularly difficult time, one of the worst for me. At the time they did not know, I was compartmentalising, keeping a wall between what was happening and those who could help me through. My husband was unceasingly supportive and unceasingly frustrated at my refusal to let them in. But this day was a much needed joy in a season marked in grief. I could revel in their company, was comforted by their friendship and energised by them just being who they are.

The gift of female friendships is a beautiful thing. I have been challenged, shaped and matured by the wisdom, intelligence, humour and love of many dear friends in many seasons of life. It was not always this way – I’m grateful for this memory and for the years that have passed before and since, the friendships that have grown and the new ones which have been formed. 

One of these friends and I had discussed a few times how the mystery of female friendship seemed to baffle us. How it felt elusive and competitive, empty and disingenuine. We had both been raised by mothers who were poor role models in this and felt unguided and lost. The three things I’ve learned about (female) friendship since then? Love. Grace. Patience. That’s it. Extend grace – extend it again and again. Let go of your assumptions and defensiveness and offense. Give grace. Act out of patience and love – remembering that this is often what we need as well.

The three things I’ve learned about (female) friendship since then? Love. Grace. Patience. That’s it.

I think of so many times I wanted to share, but wasn’t ready, and was grateful for the gifts of patience and grace. I’m mindful to do the same. How sometimes the best thing we can do is to be present, to be available and to offer our love unencumbered. I will be the first to admit I don’t always get it right. In fact, I mostly get it wrong. But I’m grateful for the open arms of my friends, who willingly give me this and more and who, when they say “I’m praying for you,” I know they mean it. 

Did you know there is such a wondrous day called Galentine’s Day? A day to celebrate the great girlfriends we get to do life with. Though, maybe not as elaborately as Leslie Knope (sorry I don’t have gift bags).¹ I’m mindful that life is busy and chaotic, seasons change and we get caught up, hoping for more opportunities to spend time together and settling for quickly exchanged messages or instagram reels. May this serve as a gentle reminder (to myself also) that our friends are worth celebrating. Why not take the reminder to invest time, to revel in the company of your female friends and let their company bring light to whatever season you’re walking in. 

Book in the day to get together – even if it is six months from now. 

Take a moment to say thanks and I love you – even if it is articulated through a reel or meme. 

Send the message to the friend you haven’t seen for a while – even if you aren’t sure how you left it. 

As I write this the lyrics of Ariana Grande’s Thank U, Next² swirl in my mind; “one taught me love, one taught me patience.” Instead of a list of ex-lovers, they are my friends, those who have journeyed with me and taught me much. I just want to honour them and take a moment to say thank you.

Thank you for teaching me patience, for being patient with me, for extending grace and always always acting out of love. I’m so grateful for you.

Happy Galentine’s

& Go well,

Steph. 

¹ Parks and Recreation (2009-2015) Season 2, episode 16, “Galentine’s Day.” Directed by Ken Kwapis. Aired on December 14, 2010 on CBS. See also; S6 E17 (2014).

² Thank U, Next (2019) by Ariana Grande