letters and lattes

Have you ever been late to a party? Have you ever been late to the party? No, I bet you haven’t. I bet you are cool and fabulous and have amazing time management skills that ensure you are perfectly acquainted with all the right things at all the right times. I have been ruminating on this half-thought for a while on the analogy of being late to the party. Mostly because it is me, I am late to the party. I am late to the literal party often for a myriad of reasons. I took too long to get ready, I forgot to allocate time for parking, but more realistically, I am incredibly optimistic about how long anything takes given my personal historical data of what this actually looks like.

I am also, more often than not, late to the metaphorical party. Have you ever found a great book, film, song or resource and when excitedly sharing it with others realise a dissatisiving truth – you’re late to the party?

This happens to me all the time. 

I am consistently late to the party. 

That amazing podcast I was so incredibly engrossed by – oh, everyone listened to that last year.

That blog I just discovered and went on to devour the previous 10 posts – oh Steph, we’ve been following that for years.

That book I was just transformed by and can’t wait to pull apart with like-minded people – oh, we did read that in book club like three years ago. 

I am late to the party.

I mean I started a blog in 2023, so it gives you some idea, right? 

Sometimes this rebuff of, “oh, I’m sorry you’re late to the party,” is gentle and sometimes it makes us feel very unwelcome. It feels like a harsh “what!” From those well-established in the party, three drinks in and very familiar with the vibe and the furniture scoffing at the latecomer. “How have you not read that? Did you only JUST get here?” It resonates as lofty judgement, dismissing the latecomer from the party despite the fact they have only just arrived. When people are late to the party, we need to welcome them with open arms.

Let me say that again.

When people are late to the party, we need to welcome them with open arms.

Why are we not embracing these latecomers into our fold? 

They have expressed interest, they are here, they came to the party when they did not need to. I came across this quote sometime ago, it is a beautiful sentiment which encapsulates this concept so well;

“When someone hasn’t read a classic book, I always try to say “Oh! What a treat you have ahead of you!” Rather than “I can’t believe you haven’t read this!” Because no one wants to be shamed into reading. We should lead with our delight in literature, not our pretentiousness.”¹

Joy Marie Clarkson

It is a move from our snobbish judgement into a welcome and encouragement, saying – friend, here is the invitation to the party, come when you are ready and such joy awaits you. In a similar way, Bob Goff says, “we shouldn’t say everyone is invited if we’re going to act like they’re not welcome when they come.”² We can apply this to so many more contexts than the extended party metaphor I am offering here, and maybe that resonates with you.

But consider the invitation, implied or explicit. Invitation is also an offer of connection. When we rebuff the latecomer, we lose the connection.

I have been guilty of the great boastful pontification of how amazing it is to be early at the party and shout to all who are late – I WAS HERE FIRST. But, to what end? Like our pretentious boasting of reading classic literature, whatever ‘the party’ might be, “we tend to treat our knowledge as personal property to be protected and defended. It is an ornament that allows us to rise in the pecking order.”³ Oh ego. Pride. That old chestnut. We just love to carry it around and have it sneak up on us, right? And it is so SUBTLE.

Where does that leave us and them?

1. Don’t discourage those who are late to the party.

2. Welcome others when they arrive at the party – whether late, early or on time but mostly –

3. Invite others to the party.

Firstly, let’s embrace those who are late to the party. Let us be brave enough to come late to the party, to not let it and the possibility of connection pass us by.

We should be happy someone came to the party, even if late, and make it clear they are welcome. Whether they read Jane Eyre⁴ for the first time, finally found that podcast we’ve been listening to for years or just that they are engaging with material that is growing them, deepening their thought and strengthening their relationship with self/others/God. These are big. Let’s be better at celebrating them, rejoicing and welcoming, rather than dismissing those who arrived after you.

How can we share what we know well? 

Let us be generous with our resources and the sources we have engaged in that we have found rich, meaningful and joyous without feeling the need to shame those who are late to the party. If our pride and ego shames those who come late, our vulnerability and openness offers the invitation in the first place and extends welcome when they come. There is a richness that comes from connecting with someone through their invitation and your acceptance, late or otherwise. 

I am so grateful to those who have shared resources and recommendations with me. I am amazed at how much I have learned and also the joy I have gained from the recommendation of others that I would not have necessarily found on my own. I have a note specifically for recommendations on my phone and am always ready to add to it. I would not know that Home Before Dark (2020) is a beautiful and engrossing story if it were not recommended to me. I would not have known the deep inner work and reflection of Dallas Willard if my dear friend had not mentioned the influence of his writing and not only recommended it to me, but thrust the book in my hand. If they had said to me, “what, you have not read/seen this?” Would I have? Instead, it was offered with vulnerability, with encouragement and warmth. Of saying, “friend, I am so excited for the treat that lies ahead of you. I wish I could experience this again for the first time.” I was a latecomer and I was embraced and my relationships were so much richer for it.

In that spirit, here is a random list of recentish recommendations from me. As we already established, you are already up with everything and I am late to it all, but here it is all the same.

Watch:

Home Before Dark (2020 – Apple TV) and Travel Man (2015- SBS) [Both were recommended to me by beautiful friends and now I pass the recommendation onto you!] and if you can find it, Moone Boy (2012-2015).

Read:

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Garden City by John Mark Comer

Deeply Formed Life by Rich Villodas

Listen:

Everything Happens. With Kate Bowler. (Instagram: @katecbowler)

And of course, Read the Room (au) (Instagram: @readtheroomoz)

May we be more willing to lead out of our delight, with arms open ready to embrace any who come after. 

Go well

Steph

¹ Joy Marie Clarkson, 2018. (Twitter: @joynessthebrave)

² Bob Goff, 2022. (Instagram: @bobgoff)

³ Maria Popova, “Umberto Eco’s Antilibrary: Why unread books are more valuable to our lives than read ones,” The Marginalian, 24 March, 2015, accessed March 24, 2023, https://www.themarginalian.org/2015/03/24/umberto-eco-antilibrary/

⁴ Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë (my favourite classic, in case you were wondering)