letters and lattes

I love weddings. If you know me even a little, I doubt you are surprised by this revelation. I have been in many conversations with friends, and even acquaintances, who are lamenting an upcoming wedding or particularly their involvement in a bridal party and I pretend to sympathise, but I do not. Yes, weddings can be tricky and family dynamics are tricky and worlds colliding are tricky but, gosh, I love weddings. I love the build up, the anticipation, the dresses, the flowers, the joy. The fact that a couple have chosen all of their favourite people to be in one room to come together and celebrate love? Amazing! Yes, I am that strange person who will ask you all the oddly specific questions about your wedding. I’m not vying for an invitation, I promise! (Though, I will take it). Something I have realised is I love weddings and I love marriage more.

As we have come to our 14th anniversary I found myself wondering, ‘what takes 14 years?’ Anything? Google was no help and kept coming up with answers about teenagers. But, I don’t hate that. Our marriage is in its teenage years, hopefully more stable than your average 14 year old and has better emotional control and decision making. Interestingly, the gift is ivory (super appropriate and timely. Right…) Although ivory is no longer a giftable item, the symbolism of the elephant remains. “The elephant… reflecting the stability, patience and dignity inherent in a long marriage… (to) represent protection, good luck and blessings on new endeavours.”¹ You may ask, “Steph, did you get your husband an elephant for your anniversary?” And sadly, the answer is no. 

I remember being engaged (a thousand years ago) and endlessly watching all of my favourite wedding films, some of these are still my favourites.² I would watch these moments, thinking of my own and idolising the moment. While there was preparation for the marriage, it was not as significant. That first year is a big one. It shares so many similarities with that first year of parenting. So much preparation and so much out of your control. Marriage is a bit like this.

Maybe you can relate, dear reader. We focus on the flowers, the outfits and how the day will unfold. We daydream about a beautiful celebration and the reality of life after seems like a honeymoon blur that will, somehow, just workout. Who gets dinner and how it is made, who sorts the bills and budgets, where we will go for help, will be magically resolved. 

Maybe you were better prepared than me, dear reader. I remember holding my newborn and a baby book at the same time, filled with questions and desperate for answers. Why had I not memorised everything? I thought, like there was going to be a test and it would only take knowing the right information for everything to work out perfectly. It is a slow lesson in how much is beyond our control and although we can prepare for a wedding, a marriage, a birth, a baby, we can not prepare for all the circumstances on the other side.

The well-known phrase ‘hope for the best, but prepare for the worst,’³ suggests we are capable of preparing for everything, as though it could be solved. I think better yet, is to have safe, trustworthy people along with us on the ride. Those who you can trust in the storms and who you want to revel with in the victories. 

With every wedding I attend I find myself reflecting on our wedding day, but also our marriage. How we have grown together, the joy and struggles we have shared and the beauty of a life built together. As we have gotten older, we reflect on many weddings we have been to and similar examples of marriage. And sadly, those weddings we attended and celebrated whereby the marriage has dissolved in varying degrees of difficulty and devastation, but even when it is ‘right’ it is still, well, sad. 

What makes a marriage last? I’m not so sure I know. And some marriages last a lifetime and they are not good, so I don’t know if we should idolise longevity.

Twenty-one year old me made some great choices and some lousy ones. 

I am grateful for that boy I used to know and that girl I used to be. 

I am proud of her unwavering faith and her assuredness as she took a bold step into the future, feet firmly on the ground, but eyes in the clouds. I can look back knowing all that has transpired between her and I, feeling proud, even if I am unsure of all that is ahead. My eyes are probably still in the clouds, to be honest. I can be proud of the joy on my children’s faces, the love of my husband and the gratitude of many dreams which have been fulfilled. There are, of course, disappointments, scars, troubles that have also clouded these years. It is not all “rainbows and sunshine,” but we have borne this together too. 

I saw a post on social media recently about marriage as the best example of practising sanctification⁴ (see below) and it resonated strongly with me. It speaks to what I understand of marriage, the importance of humility and gently, lovingly, pointing each other to Jesus.

This is practised in our families of origins, with siblings and friends, but is different in the family we choose, in the spouse we choose ‘to have and to hold,’ forever. The dynamic is different. We can love and hate our siblings at the same time. We can be close or distant and always tied by a thread of family. We can give grace and not honesty and have connection with removal, without intimacy or humility. It does not work the same way in a marriage. The thread does not have to remain forever, it is a choice. A choice to give grace, to learn more, to give of yourself, to empower them, to live in the balance and tension that is loving each other well. 

It is in an authentic marriage where we can be fully known, seen and loved. We have a safe place to be unmasked, where love reigns and not judgement. Where it is not just beautiful flowers and picture perfect smiles, but track pants, greasy hair, t-shirts with holes in them, where we are loved not for the image we present to the world, but who we are. This is why I love weddings and I love marriage more. 

At our wedding one of the cards or speeches shared some advice, it’s a little hazy who or where it was communicated, but the comment was this: “may you look back and realise this was the time you loved each other the least.” At the time, I did not see the heart of this statement and scoffed with dissatisfaction. We had already been together five years, why is this the time we’d love each other the least? But now, it’s true. I love my husband so much more than I did on our wedding day. I also know him so much more. And the years and circumstances continue to reveal and deepen not only our knowledge and understanding of one another, but also our love for each other. So much so that I have used this phrase in several wedding cards I have written, hoping for the couples we are coming to celebrate in their love, that the years would continue to reveal and deepen their love for each other. 

If you are yet to know this kind of love, I hope you find it. And if it is yours already, dear reader, go celebrate it. 

Go well (& love well),

Steph

¹ An oddly specific comment on the 14th anniversary with, naturally, purchasable items: https://www.eternityrose.co.uk/

² Obviously, 27 Dresses and Bride Wars, but also, While You Were Sleeping.

³ I have used this phrase repeatedly, unaware it has been attributed to Maya Angelou. Similar quotes are also associated with Lee Child and Zig Ziglar, according to Google. Let me know if I should reference this better. 

⁴ Paul Washer (via Instagram: @worshipblog)