letters and lattes

Is there anything quite as humbling as our children holding up mirrors to our flaws? Seeing them act in less-than-flattering ways and instantly thinking, yep, that’s me. This is my daughter and I. Sometimes my son. I feel like the list of all their undesirable behaviours come from me. I witness my daughter’s clumsiness and instantly cringe. Yep, me. My son’s unrelenting stubbornness, his will of iron. Yep, 100% me, sorry. Every now and then I can ecstatically yell and point, “that’s not me!” A little too enthusiastic that I can pin it in my husband’s column. But, not often. 

There are positive traits we see mirrored too, but unfortunately my radar is geared to the negative. My inner critic is so strong and attuned to my own flaws I can evidence them when acted out by someone else. The challenge is to not vocalise this, to not create or grow their own inner critic. But these mirrors offer an opportunity for us to be more aware, to grow, learn and better ourselves too. 

The other night my daughter wanted to play charades, inspired by an episode of Bluey.¹ Let me tell you, she was awful at it – in a cute, fun, adorable way. Her imagination, joy and charisma were on full display, even if her chosen actions were impossible to guess. Her final “clue” had my husband and I in stitches, we proper lost it – by this I mean howling in laughter, loss of breath, tears streaming down our cheeks, lost it. If you were wondering (of course you were) she laid out on the ground like a star and said it was something you find on the ground. I yelled “road” and we came up with a whole range of guesses. The answer was ‘puddle.’ She was being a puddle. Obviously. 

She was overjoyed. As all children are when they make their parents, or any adult, laugh. When we calmed down she was beaming – she knew we loved it, but needed more. “Why were you guys laughing? Was it good? What did you like?” Etc. 

We gave her all the affirmation and afterwards I turned to my husband, “well, if that isn’t me to a tee.”

WHY THANK YOU FOR YOUR AFFIRMATION – COULD YOU PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC?

I love affirmation. 

Words of affirmation in particular. When received, I keep and collect these, pouring over them like the treasures they are. Sometimes they turn – in rereading I lose the initial joy and I see empty or vague remarks where more specificity or uniqueness could have been offered. The inner critic came and snacked on these words until all that was left was a scattering of crumbs.

How do we hold onto the good (and the truth) and not let the critic eat us alive?

I would say, knowing who we are. And whose we are. I know that seems corny. I know, I know, I know. But as the ever wise Iris said, “I’m looking for corny in my life,”² plus, it’s true. All those paper notes of promises and kind words are going to be eaten up, blown on the wind and disappear. And so will we if what we’re building our lives and esteem on is only paper thin. Part of knowing who we are is identifying who we are not and being ok with this. Comparison and jealousy will eat us alive. 

What I come back to is this:

I am loved (Romans 8:35-39)
I have my own gifts and talents, these are my responsibility. Being jealous of someone else won’t grow their gift (or mine) (Galatians 6:4-5 MSG). 
God is good, 
God is faithful (Psalm 100:5) and God cares for me (Psalm 46:1).
God has given me gifts 
To use them (in humility) to bless others
And bring glory to God (Romans 12). 
It is not about me. 

The words written on your heart will give you life, or not. Be very careful with what you allow to be written there. 

Making friends with Humility. 

Humility is a word we struggle with in Australia. We don’t like humility because it asks us to lay aside our pride and ego, instead offering our vulnerabilities, our perceived lack. However, humility also opens the door to growth. It is a willingness to learn, to allow others to (dare I say it) help us grow. 

Humility = it is not about me. 

At the end of Kung Fu Panda 3³ (spoiler alert) Po returns victorious. He knows himself and who he is – also who he is not. My absolute favourite moment is Master Shifu’s response. Po has mastered Chi, of course he has, something his master has been unable to achieve. Shifu responds, “will you teach me?”

We focus on the growth of Po in this narrative, but he isn’t the only one. 

His role models, his leaders, have shown him they are willing to grow. To develop their weaknesses. To apologise for their poor choices. To act in humility, being willing to learn, even if it is from their student. What a beautiful lesson we so often miss. To remain humble and teachable, yes, but also open to who can teach us, who can lead us and help develop our weaknesses (or a better word, opportunities). It might be from those we least expect – for Shifu, it was his “worst student.” 

For us, it may be our children. Or a younger colleague. 

What a gift. May we be open, humble and willing to receive it.

Go well

Steph

¹ Bluey (2018 -). Season 2, Episode37, “The Quiet Game.” Directed by Richard Jeffery. Aired November 4, 2020, on ABC. 

² The Holiday (2006) Columbia Pictures and Universal Pictures. 

³ Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016) Dreamworks.