letters and lattes

In a strange shift of our Saturday morning habits, I quite like going to the 8am Pilates class. Horror, I know. This is a shake up from sleeping in and everyone laughing at “mum” who is always the last up on a Saturday morning. From time to time, my husband also has to work on a Saturday morning. This can be an awkward schedule clash not revealed until 10pm on Friday night. Ideal. One week, thinking ahead, I preemptively booked the children into crèche. Thankfully this worked out, unfortunately my husband’s job did not go as smoothly and he worked the whole day. 

My daughter was not particularly pleased by the early morning wake up. She did get ready on time and I was aware of the need to express my thanks. In the car on the way I said, “I really appreciate you both being ready to go, even though it is so early.”

The lady replied, “I appreciate you mum, but I do not appreciate getting up early.”

How’s that for feedback. 

We are, culturally, I believe not good at giving feedback or asking for it. I know I am poor at both and I would like to be better. Putting ourselves in the position of requesting feedback is daunting. We are inviting comment and criticism not only on our work, but our character. It is a task which requires much vulnerability and much humility. This is, perhaps, why we culturally avoid it; vulnerability and humility not being the most desired or promoted attributes. 

Adam Grant offered a thorough exercise on gaining feedback which requires reaching out to 15-20 people and collecting stories from a time “you were at your best.” Together, these stories create a portrait of common themes and patterns across them, which creates your ‘reflected best self-portrait.’¹ Grant says, “in my experience of doing it, people can’t anticipate what their strengths are in other people’s eyes.” He offered a reflection that “we’re incredibly bad at expressing appreciation for the people who matter to us” and “we have to get over the awkwardness of asking for feedback.” 

I have not quite gotten to this level of seeking feedback. Although, I can appreciate it would be highly valuable. I have, a step at a time, edged towards seeking honest feedback. This is an exercise in both self-advocacy and vulnerability. Neither are my favourites, but these are virtues I am trying to strengthen. I am actively working against my own natural instincts of self-preservation which resists sharing with others, which is actually an act of pride. 

I have been mulling over a project for a while. I have been praying about it and in a shift from my usual self-sufficiency, I sought feedback from trusted friends. Now, you could look at this like, “you asked a friend, of course they’ll be affirming.” Yes, my cynical mind agrees, but they did not have to be. And yet, their feedback was very affirming. The greatest gift is that I have more confidence to pursue this because I have their feedback, because I invited their comment before I was truly ready to share it with someone else. This confidence spurs me on and now I also have someone I can go to with more questions who will continue to give me feedback. 

In a work context, we can be quick to grumble, complain or even indulge in gossip when we are less than satisfied. Our willingness, however, to offer official feedback is limited. Partly because it is not invited. Likewise, we can feel awkward giving critical feedback to someone who needs it. Whichever side of the equation you sit on, you probably agree that more feedback, or more opportunities for formal feedback, would be helpful. We “tend to focus on the discomfort of delivering feedback, and underestimate the value of the feedback to the other person.”² Although it presents these awkward difficulties, “candid, insightful feedback (is) critical to career development.”² I have certainly experienced being offered vague feedback when I have been desperate for a foothold of concrete advice to support my next steps. I loved this concluding remark from the article, “after all, there are few greater gifts a person can give someone than showing them that you are paying attention to what they are doing, and helping them to do it more successfully.”² What if we took this as the posture for our feedback? To say: I see you. I want to help you be more successful. Wouldn’t this, too, feel nicer from the other side?

We can continually look at opportunities to give and be provided with feedback. I have learnt that I do not always give feedback well. At the start of this article I reflected on an example with my daughter. Something my daughter is still working on is the concept of “you don’t always have to chop with the sword of truth. You can point with it too.”³ I don’t think I need to point out to you: she gets this from me. The other day I was talking to my dad about my son’s upcoming birthday, he asked clarifying questions about presents and concluded “he’s very specific about what he wants.” I agreed and we laughed, knowing my father and I have this trait in common, unfortunately so does my son. I added, “but he is kind and gracious,” without skipping a beat my dad said, “well, that’s Dan’s (my husband) input.” Ouch. Again, how’s that for feedback.

Yes, I can be quite specific. I can be highly critical. Can I still give feedback? Yes, if someone needs it, but I need to do so with grace, empathy and consider how it might feel from their point of view and hold back if (probably) needed. 

I had a student-teacher recently and I was very conscious of this. I had a lot of feedback. But there is a point where you have to consider, what is helpful? What can they work on now? Where do I want to see growth? How can I help? Etc. This has to be measured. Relational. Empathetic. It calls for grace. The posture is: I see you, I’m paying attention to what you are doing and I want to help you be more successful. But, let’s do so graciously. 

So dear reader, perhaps you want to try the reflected best self-portrait. Maybe it is time to reach out to a trusted mentor or friend with a project that could be helped by feedback. Or perhaps it is time to pay attention: who can you see? How could your (gracious) feedback be helpful? And, please, be specific. 

Go well

Steph

¹ Adam Grant, “Thinking about Thinking with Brene Brown and Adam Grant: Part One,” (E133) A Bit of Optimism hosted by Simon Sinek (podcast), June 25, 2024, https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/a-bit-of-optimism/id1515385282 

² Michael Blanding, “Why People Crave Feedback —and Why We’re Afraid to Give It” August 05, 2022, Harvard Business School accessed June 27, 2024. https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/why-people-crave-feedback-and-why-were-afraid-to-give-it 

³ Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (NY: First Anchor Books, 1995)