letters and lattes

Have you ever wondered how our good, thoughtful goals turn themselves into burdensome expectations? How our plans, instead of being attainable and joyous, have become a weight to bear? As I have been reflecting on the burden of expectations, I keep hearing the line “not all experiences are good, Bianca!”¹ Except, let’s swap out ‘experiences’ with ‘expectations.’

The Christmas season is a great example of the burden of expectations. There are so many expectations, from what we will achieve, do, receive, the behaviour of our children or others towards us/our children. The majority of these expectations exist outside of our control, the burden of which is an excellent breeding ground for anxiety. Of course, we can set out with good intentions, intentions which create guidelines and can ease some of this burden. 

After a few days of Christmas events, in which my five-year-old son was continually razzed up, we had a chat about expectations on the way to an event, trying to intentionally set expectations and avoid more crazy behaviour. I asked my son whose behaviour he can control. His response? “Opa’s.” Hmm. No darling, you cannot control Opa’s behaviour. Obviously this was a reminder to me that I cannot control his. Even with great intentions and reminders, our expectations can go unmet. 

This is a lesson I am continually learning and one that motherhood is swift in teaching. Although this revelation comes to me through the lens of motherhood, it pertains to any of us who work with people. Does that mean we do not have expectations? Of course not. It does mean – be aware of the burden of expectation and be willing to surrender it, when needed.

I can think of no better analogy of this than January. 

This image sums up January for me:

From about September I stockpile everything I hope to achieve and bookmark it for sweet January. Thinking: when I will have all the time. Forgetting: I’m tired, it’s so hot, I have two wonderful, wilful children who have wishes of their own. And so all those wonderful things I have hoped to achieve get wilted down to a successful completion rate of about 0.15%. Look, probably, that’s ok. However, I wish I could remember this when I’m sitting in October and actually set realistic goals for myself. 

But have you noticed that January has a mind of its own? Where we come with ambition, it offers grace. It meets the hard edges, all of our hopes, with gentle softness. When we come with speed and busyness, it whispers, “slow.” January reminds us to try – but to go softly, to find a new pace, to embrace the slow. For of course, January knows – we have a whole year ahead.

Yes, set goals and please set them smartly.² It is important that we have a dose of realism and we are timely and attentive to attending to our goals, or they will be put off until a mysterious ‘other’ time and ‘other’ place when we have energy, focus, willpower, enthusiasm and are somehow voided all the other distractions of this wonderful life. And yet, life does happen. Whether we set ourselves up to do all the things in January, or now we’re here we start to plan ahead, remember to hold our ambitions gently. 

I am overly ambitious and optimistic with what I believe I can accomplish. I can see a small sliver of time and plot out many tasks, only to have interruptions. I can choose to feel frustrated that what I expected to achieve did not happen, or I can let it go a little. I am reminded that all these tasks will keep. I am reminded that what is not accomplished today can be completed tomorrow. So, yes, goals are good. Ambition and optimism are good. A healthy dose of realism is wondrous. Being aware of the burden of expectation and being willing to surrender it, when needed, is essential. 

So whether you have completed 100% of your January goals or, like me, about 0.15%, why not embrace the opportunity to start with a little softness. As work resumes and wants us to jump on the bullet train, allow yourself to start slow. I’ve only been at work two days and already it is pulling me like a rip out to sea. Instead of fighting it, pushing through my list, I’m trying to find softness. Take the lunch break, linger in conversation, allow the interruptions to derail your to-do list for a moment. Give yourself some grace as you handle the burden of expectations, whether self-imposed or otherwise.

It will keep, dear reader, we have a whole year ahead. 

Go well

Steph

¹ If you don’t know what this is from, can we even be friends? It’s 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) Touchstone Pictures. 

² As in “smart” goals: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, timely.